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I've been contemplating on what im gonna do for this next two months. Every minute now seems vital as im growing balder on the back of my head. Everyday the patch is spreading. But one thing good, and is not bad, that is growing, is my confidence. Having grown up with confidence as much as wild elephants living in jungles in Malaysia, its only fair. Sarcasm aside, I'm actually gonna work on my love life and bow out a happy, loved woman. Im not so good in articulating my feelings to someone so I gotta improve. Thoughts, i'm gonna. I grew up not knowing what i wanna be. Its still an ongoing problem. But not anymore. Not in two months time, it wont. Because of the fact that i have such a short time tells me what i really want. I always lose in the affection battle. My wanting to dream of it happening, rather than making it actually happen, always wins. Its an arcane aberration. And as frustrating as it is, not just to me but also to the affected party, i couldnt do anything. E

Now that I've more rest than usual, I have time to write, write and write. I love it. It does explain the consecutive days of entry doesn't it? There's no such thing as writing to reach you. If there is, I would have gotten to him. Right at his footstep. Maybe even at his door step. But as the universe wants it, I am right now in front of my computer desk crafting this very post. Did I mentioned, how much I'm enjoying this? I love it. Okay second time? Nobody cares. I will say it as many times as I damn well please. Well, that's possibly the only thing going for me. I probably shouldn't be dwelling on failures. Little ones. Not being cocky but I've come this far. 25 years worth of experience & hardship. Sweat, tears and blood. There's nothing i can't handle. We're talking about a little minor setback. It's shmuck. I will love again. I will find the man worth writing 20 songs about. He'll be so worth it, I'll even sing live for hi

I remember one story I wrote in my journal. I met the men of my dreams a few days ago. Nope, he's not the same man I mentioned in my last post, whom I kept meeting in my dreams. Since we're on the subject, I feel I need to announce, he hasn't been appearing in my dreams in these past few weeks and that's a good thing. I came to the conclusion he's not "the one". "The one" wouldn't be an asshole to me. I mean that's a reasonable assumption. Back to meeting the man of my dreams. Please don't get confused. I can't help but admit, I thought about him all night from the bus ride back home. I meet lots of people, but rarely does one leave me smitten. It hasn't happened in quite a while. It's probably because he only spoke French and we couldn't communicate. We didn't seem to mind. We sat comfortably quiet for what felt like hours, even though it was only a few seconds. I left the bench that evening hurting so badly, wis

There this wish that I reconsider of a faith notion, to take a break from the usual mental routine and to let my mind wander. As to make a room to both serious and whimsical ideas that I had at the back of my mind. I wonder what is he up to right now. Defying gravity to release tension with a piece of board with four wheels again. I miss escaping. My friend once told me to stop reading all the shit and starts doing shit while I was doodling dots in this light blue journal that eventually became somewhat group of ants which where this talking nonsense has led me onto. In contributed to one of my unfortunate characteristic which found often always in a processing or digesting phase and for every fibre in my being to avoid being rejected, I rather keep my balls back in the sack so I don't have to ever get to be thrown on the floor, ever.again. I guess it will be the death of me not even trying to do things, that's when you are wrong about me, again... I was dead and I came back

You are what you eat. What if I eat chocolate snacks in a jar while watching Stand Up Comedy Specials or Comedy Central shows every now and then if I watch tv or Pete Davidson autobiography scavenged. My point is I love comedy, and I feel sweet. I am a stand up comedy fan. One funny fan myself if I may as well explained. What if you were someone who loves to laugh and met a girl who loves to laugh and you go from there. I went out once or twice and I thought about these lot of weird questions when I walked so I quickly note them down when I stopped for coffee/on my shift breaks. I must have thought of that jokes Pete Davidson tell last night from SNL about Staten Island or whatever he had to say in response to comparison with Colin Jost who is also from Staten Island them both self, I caught that video from my Instagram feed and I saved them to get full access to the show the next minutes. That's how I ended my night laughing hysterically - not mentioning eye tearing non stop, ne

Quarantine days in got me thought about my lost soul. I don't want to be centered as a lost soul. How I wish I can make perfect argumentation for this issue with other than myself. I thought of someone I know and adding pressure for our friendship. I get it. For the lack of a better term. Despite being in a loving romance, I found that sexual attraction is confusing, euphoric, maddening, even dangerous. Which the mechanism that chooses and controls the objects of sexual desire can only be found in the heart of the unexplained. You should see that I was more of staring at the ceiling walls for this thoughts to be processed. Imagining me saying my 22 old self, "I was 22, which is young. I just got sober, so I was already adjusting to just actually being in reality. Then i'm travelling around the world, getting recognized, so I was getting used to that for a couple of years. Then I moved to New York. I think, for the first time in my life, I actually was able to get used to m