Words out of dictionary

For most of my life I was only able to identify two feelings which are anger and guilt. Now that I am in recovery I am faced with the task of not only adding to my feelings list but also being able to express them in a non-shaming way.

What usually happens is that I become speechless trying to identify what I am feeling and find the words to express it. By the time I kind of know what to say, something else is happening.

Expressing joy is one of the feelings I’m having a hard time recognizing and expressing. Growing up I learned not to get excited about things because they either never took place or I didn’t get what I was promised, so why get excited beforehand?

But now I’m an adult and can handle disappointment, right? I embarked on the task to learn how to express my feelings. I asked friends if they knew any books on the subject, particularly joy. I googled it without much luck.

I am happy and content most of the time, so how do I go about expressing it to the people around me? They tell me they can see peace and calm within me but they don’t see me jumping for joy.

Before sobriety, I was never satisfied with anything. I always wanted the newest, shiniest, brightest toy whether that was an object, a process, a substance, or a person. I chased happiness for a long time.

Sobriety has taught me that happiness is a byproduct of right living. There’s no person, place or thing that can ever make me happy forever; happiness comes from within. I always thought that only lazy people said stuff like that so they didn’t have to work to get what they wanted in life. Surely if you work hard enough you’ll never eventually get everything you need to be happy!  Not so much.